My side.

I realise that social media paints a pleasant picture of life; breezy, light and smiley. We want people to see the perfect painting but no one gets to see the process and the hard work behind the agonisingly meticulous strokes that brought the painting to life. 
Everything that is valuable in life comes with a cost. The higher the cost, the greater the value. Today's generation unfortunately expects doors and opportunities to fly open and gifts to be simply handed to them by the ones that have paid the price, counted the cost and ran the race to get to where they are. I know Jesus handed us salvation but we are the ones that have to walk it out. And how we walk through life shows a lot about how much we value that free gift of salvation.

I never want to be the “artist" that makes the picture of life seem effortless and deny the beauty of the process; the tears and the pain. I have come to realise that I may have painted a "pretty" picture of how these last few years have been for us. I have spent time writing about our journey and less about our walk. At the end of the day which actually matters more? And please accept my apology for that picture coming across as “perfect” and effortless. 

I wanted this to be a blog about the depths of my heart. So, aside from Pete’s time at school and his internship, I wanted to let you in on my world :) I am not afraid to show you the caverns of my heart: the good things and the hard things. I have learnt that vulnerability is a weapon and not a shameful black cloak. Our testimony is a living sword, our words create and the way we live brings forth life. 

So here are a few things that I have walked through these past few years (and sometimes crawled through) LSSH (Lisa’s Supernatural School of her own Heart) - couldn’t resist. 

As you know, I haven’t done school. I have stayed at home with my girls and I homeschool them in character, academics, values and through life in general. When we arrived in the USA I navigated our world and became familiar with my new surroundings. I have created a home. I do lots of cleaning and laundry. I hunt for good food deals and I feed my family. And in between all this, I school my own heart with my teacher - Holy Spirit. I am writing this in obedience and allowing God to do what He does best :)

During the first year of our time in Redding I felt very insecure and left out. I felt like my role in this journey was invisible and insignificant. I believed the lie that this season was all for Pete and I had to stand on the side and support him like a "good" wife should (which is partly true but isn’t that what the enemy does? Twist the truth and deny us of power?) 
After a few months resentment started to build up on my heart like mould. After a while that mould started infiltrating my actions, my speech and my thinking. The character of an orphan mentality resembles  the character of mould - it gets in everywhere and it is dangerous to your health. Self pity, anger, loneliness, a victim mentality, complaining, insignificance etc etc - it all comes attached and its yucky!!! It all stems from the same place - fear. 
The funny thing about this orphan mentality is that it views other's successes as your failure and when others are blessed you only see your lack. It paralyses your joy and makes you feel like you are totally abandoned. It barricades your heart from any source of hope and love. Nasty!! Who would want that!? And yet only we allow it in. I agreed with a lie and suddenly I had uninvited filthy guests.
It came to a point one afternoon when I got on my knees and asked God to forgive me and to speak to me. The lies had become so loud. 
But OH! When He speaks!!! …..And He did. He spoke firmly and gently like only He can. 

“When did the YES of man become more important than my YES for you? Do you not know who you are and how my pleasure covers you everyday? My love is not blind or deaf. I heard your 'yes' to me when you were 14, I saw the line you drew in the sand. Now stand up out of entitlement, dust yourself off and walk in that 'yes'.You are my child! Act like one!” 

Wow! Tail between my legs - but in a good way. I felt His love cover me like honey and all my defence broke.
I wish I could say the thoughts and pain melted away, but they didn’t. 
This is the thing: We can do hard things! We are not robots controlled by God. We can partner with Him because we are powerful! 
This process involved me making a decision to step into the YES I said to God 16 years ago; the yes that said “I will go and I will do anything. Seen or unseen, my life is Yours.” 
I had to make that decision EVERYDAY!
I chose to see the things that I do daily as if it were worship to God with flags and beautiful dance moves - except all I had was a broom and I lift my hands to hang up the laundry :) But it was different and it felt different because I knew I was doing what He wanted me to do. I felt powerful and free because what I did mattered to the only One worth pleasing. All of a sudden it was as if Heaven’s attention had been drawn to me because my actions began to reflect faith and hope. God responds to faith and I felt His pleasure on what I was doing. 

In September 2014 I felt God challenge me further.

“ Lisa you have permission to be fully you and to step into all that I have created you to be. But with this comes a cost. Many are called but few are chosen because few are willing to pay the price. 
Are you willing to let go of your old mindset? Are you willing to steward My truth and train your mind, thoughts and actions to partner with truth? Are you willing to be disciplined with your words? Are you willing to choose Joy and thankfulness over loneliness and doubt? Are you willing to celebrate when others succeed? Are you able to love others when its not reciprocated? Can you trust Me with everything you have? Are you able to be generous when you have little, to love Me and worship me through the drought and through the rain? Will you chose to believe I am good in every circumstance?  This life is a marathon along a narrow road, its not a sprint on a freeway. Hold onto peace. See whats in front of you and be faithful with what I have given you right now.”
I said yes again. I cannot help but say Yes to Him over and over again. 

I made the decision since then to steward what I had been given in this season: two beautiful little girls. I get to offer my “two loaves and five small fish" to Him and see what He does. 

So often we get fixated on our dreams and our future. We want the “more” immediately and somehow forget to handle what he has given us now. We don’t want to pay the price and walk the hard roads. We resist the little steps. 

Imagine if a generation were given the “multitude” before they had been faithful with the little. Or if they had been given the pearl of great price without it costing them a dime. The cost is not a curse, its a beautiful offering that has eternity in mind.

I have my dreams: I want to write books, preach and teach. I want to prophesy and heal the sick. I want to raise the dead. I want to mother nations. But for now…I will mother my two. Right now I have an audience of two little hearts that I will preach to, prophesy over and pray for when they are sick or sad. My two little loaves named Amy and Katie :)

I don’t think we ever fully have life "sorted". Just  when we feel like we have done a good job, things flip and we feel like we have to start from scratch again…am I right? Well its not about the destination or the past. I have learnt that its actually about the process. And the process is the place that births the character, the strength and the skills we need to fulfil His call for us. Those impressive ministry titles, the stages with microphones and the recognition? What does it mean? 

I want to end this marathon knowing that the paths I chose led to His heart. I want to be the faithful steward, the one who sold everything I had to pay for the only pearl of great price. I want Him.

I am still running the marathon. That is what matters.